Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Ramblings II

Its almost 8pm and tomorrow is Merdeka Day!!! Am still in the office waiting for my friend Zoe to pick me up for dinner. She wants to eat middle eastern food - lamb. She also wants me to take her to a place where she can "cuci mata". It literally means "wash eyes". It's a Malay saying for looking at something pleasing ie the opposite sex... no, I'm not being politically correct... whatever sex turns you on then...not necessarily the opposite sex. Friends nowadays are not easy to please. Not only am I buying her dinner and entertaining her with my anecdotes, now I have to find a place where she can feast her eyes on some hunky men. Zoe likes men in uniform. We might as well fly to New York & check out NYPD. Seriously, another friend of mine (senior single female lawyer) went to New York for a holiday and she too likes men in uniform - she told me she actually dropped by NYPD (New York Police Department) and was drooling at the police officers there! I asked her sarcastically whether she made it to the Fire Department and she said with deep regret "No unfortunately I didn't have enough time".

Bespectacled dropped by my room earlier. My room must be the warmest room on this floor as I have 2 huge windows which I keep open all the time. Its been raining A LOT lately and the office is like a Siberian gulag. First thing he said as he opened my door is "Wow, I have just landed in Hawaii after taking a flight from Boston!". Another colleague Catherine popped by after he left to thaw out in my room for a few minutes. Bespectacled came in to complain about his sister-in-law's loser husband who is cheating on her. She discovered the affair after reading a text message on his phone "I want to bite - suck you tonight". Sigh, Malay couples are really surprising me these days... I asked him "is he good looking?" So Bespectacled said "If you see the ugliest looking labourer on your way back, he is negative 100% below that." This loser husband is also a sponger. His overseas education was paid for by his rich father-in-law. His wife had to pawn her jewellery to pay for the household bills because she is too embarrassed to tell her family.

Yeah, so the guy's a bastard but... who allowed him to be that way? Why, why, why do women do this to themselves? Act the martyr?? Her excuse is because they have young children. Why do women love to be victims all the time in an abusive relationship?? I don't have the answer to that. Anyway, Bespectacled has kindly told me that no Malay man would want to go out with me because I'm too fierce for them.... Yes,... and I want to go out with them ....???? The feeling is mutual - I'm not their cup of tea and neither are they mine.

Whilst I'm on this topic, I must confess that I have met up with SL (Singapore Lawyer) twice since the Bench & Bar Games. He came up to KL once and I went over to Singapore recently. I find him very endearing. My female Indian friends (all lawyers) are full of doom & gloom over this...quote "you are going out with an Indian man?? they make lousy boyfriends. They never call you and don't know how to manja you (actually, I can live with that - this whole manja-manja thing makes my skin crawl...). They really don't know how to woo a woman. And on top of that he is Singaporean! That's even worse!!!" I thought I should get a second or rather fifth opinion so I asked my male Indian friend (also a lawyer). He said "You know why we don't date an Indian woman - or call her after the first date? If we go on a second date, her family will start printing the wedding cards already... Don't listen to this stupid advice - there's nothing wrong with Indian men....God, if you listen to them then I will never have a chance with you, what's this rubbish about not calling after the first date? You want me to call you, sure, I can make phone calls after that..." Sigh, so much for unbiased opinion from a good friend! Another Indian girlfriend said "Hullo, he is Hindu right & you are Muslim.... no way his Amma & Appa are going to allow this..." Hullo! I only met him twice after Langkawi. I'll worry about Amma & Appa later if this goes anywhere. Poor chap is being disected, scrutinised and taken to pieces before it can get anywhere....ooops Zoe is here. Got to go. Happy Merdeka Day everyone!!!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Tacky Wedding of the Year of Princess Wannabe
Actually I have no mood to write anything. Especially today. But am stuck in the office because the driver is late. Of all days - today....the day of the so called "Wedding of the Year" of the Village Vestal Virgin to her sleazy looking beau. Our office staff said "put him in a Pagoda Tshirt and dump him in the Felda estate somewhere and he will blend in very well with the people who live there. He won't look like an outsider at all."
The Firm is located near the KL Convention Centre where what I call "Tacky Wedding of the Year" is being held. So now that the driver is late, I'm sure I will be stuck in this stupid wedding traffic. I am sick and tired of this media obsession over this Village Vestal Virgin. From the snippets of conversation I pick up from the pantry between our Malay staff in the morning, they too are sick & tired of Little Miss Perfect who wants a fairy tale princess wedding in a horse drawn carriage. Our big boss' secretary said "They should be put in a bullock cart - that would suit them better - soooo kampung these two!!"
The day after their engagement or akad nikah or something the papers plastered her photo everywhere....Ayo....Tacky Tiara over a Tudung Clad head....might as well complete the picture with a pair of Bulgari diamond encrusted dangling earings attached to her tudung! And wear a hairband whilst she is at it! It's equivalent to me wanting to show off my La Perla lace underwear by wearing it outside & over my dress!!! Our staff tells me that they read in the papers that our Tacky Bride of the Year vows to wear the tudung now that she is married. I'm wondering if she will be sporting the kind of tudung that was the rage some time back with those dangling tassles making the women look like mobile lamp shades....
In her efforts to portray a "princess bride" she painfully reveals her very common background. It is very crass to go into the financial details of one's outfits, jewellery etc and the whole media razzmatazz .... This woman should move to Hollywood at the rate she's going. God!! I hear the police outriders' sirens blaring outside - don't tell me this nightmare has started!!! Where the hell is this driver???? Those of you who don't know me - let me explain - I don't know how to drive.
Speaking of tacky behaviour, this morning as I was getting into the car, I noticed a flower arrangement at the back of the car. This really puzzled me. I asked the driver "what is that?". He told me "Flowers". Now that we had established the identity of the offending item, I said "What is it doing at the back of the car?". The driver said "I put it there - I thought it would look nice." I told him "Please remove it - it looks horrible!" He tried to protest "But its real flowers". If it was plastic flowers, I would have insisted my father sack him...but since it was real flowers I only asked him to remove them before I stepped into the car. I'm wondering if I will be greeted with lace materials draping over the car seat head rest by next week. I cannot understand people's need to decorate their car as if its an extension of their house! Should we have an ensuite bathroom attached next? This reminds me of my horse riding days. One day I was waiting for my friend Zoe to pick me up from the riding club. Zoe is my robust looking friend who drives a menacing Pajero and dumps hay, horse feed, horse tack, saddles etc at the back of her Pajero. As I was standing outside the Clubhouse waiting for her, this lime green car with matching lime green wheel covers shuttles towards me and halts. The driver of this astonishing car winds down the window hastily and says hello. Its Zoe!!! I am stumped. "Whose car is this???" I asked, incredulous as I surveyed the interiors...yes it has lace materials draping the head rest of the car seats, crochet tissue box cover....the car rather stands out ...amongst the other cars parked outside the humble wooden Clubhouse. The patrons of the Club drive their Porche, Ferrari, Rolls Royce, Z whatever BMWs (I don't know much about cars...) and park them in a row outside the Clubhouse. These are their Chick Mobil or Babe Magnets....sigh....when will they grow up these men... Anyway, Zoe hissed at me "Shut up and get into the car quickly...I don't want anyone in the Club to see me." I hopped in as she sped off explaining that her Pajero is in the workshop and she borrowed this luminous car from a DBKL officer. I was even more amazed "this car belongs to a man??" She said "You haven't even seen the Love Cushions yet! I've thrown it onto the floor!" Sure enough there were these red satin heart shaped cushions on the floor.... God! How can a man drive such a loud utterly tacky car??? Ofcourse, with the loud colours I assumed the man is of a certain race (not Jamaican...they too seem to have a passion for rainbow colours... I shouldn't be throwing colleagues say I am the only person they know who wears more colours than a rainbow in one outfit) but Zoe corrected me ... the man is of the same race as our Village Vestal Virgin....
Speaking of my lack of knowledge on cars, before her Pajero, Zoe had this little green car which I take a ride from frequently. One night we were at the Club till late and Zoe gave me her car keys and asked me to wait in the car whilst she goes to the loo. She handed me her magazine to put in the car. It was some woman's magazine - Female or Woman's Own or something like that. She pointed to the general direction of where her car was parked. It was quite dark but I could still make out the car shape, colour & number. I opened the car door, dumped the magazine on the back seat and sat at the passenger seat in front. After a long while I started to wonder where Zoe was. I stepped out of the car and I saw Zoe at the other side of the Club standing next to another car "What are you doing there??? My car is this one!" She was incredulous. Not only was her car a different make from the one I was sitting in - it was also a different colour. So I quickly ran over with her car keys. The next morning after riding my horse, I trudged to the Clubhouse for my breakfast. I noticed a group of women (the regular riders) crowding at the bar listening intensely to Uncle Lim the bartender. As I reached there & plonked myself next to them I asked "What happened?" thinking that someone's horse had died or someone was killed from the expression on their faces. This English lady said to me "Ooh, someone broke into Uncle Lim's car last night....imagine that! Its not safe anymore in this Club. We must ask the Committee to step up the security around here." Alarm bells started ringing..."Err...what did they steal?" I asked. The English lady replied "Well, that's the strange thing... they didn't steal anything but they left a magazine behind! Who would want to do that to poor Uncle Lim??" Later that day Zoe stomps to the Club and asked "Zita where's my magazine!??" I never owned up that it was me who "broke into" Uncle Lim's car that night.... Finally, my driver is here...Ciao!
Hello again people, its lunchtime the day after the Tacky Wedding of the Year of Princess Wannabe. I didn't watch the live telecast of this spectacle of Princess Tacky with Dato Nouveau Riche nor did I watch the screening of a chat show of some Felda singer & his estranged fiancee. But when I opened my papers this morning I was assaulted with pictures of both events. Groan.....What is wrong with our reporters... buying into this crap and our people in general. "She looked every inch the princess" was reported.... no Malay princess of royal blood would be grinning from ear to ear at her wedding let alone belting out a song & dance number at her own wedding!! Conduct unbecoming for a bride indeed. This is beyond tacky, it is gross!!! I can just hear my mum & aunts witnessing such a scene at a wedding "Awat kelaku dia ni tak senonoh betui..." they would be saying. Looking at the photos and their body language I can tell this Princess Sh-i-ti is in for a rough time with new hubby. She is looking adoringly up at him, clinging on to his arm and leaning on him and he is not even facing her or leaning towards her, looking at the world at large with a smug look on his face as though he had just conquered the Roman Empire. He has reason to look smug - he's on to his next cash cow. No more Pagoda Tshirts for this one. My colleague Michele says that he must be an insecure man becoz insecure men are playboys and need to conquer lots of women to prove themselves. Sigh... get a bright red Ferrari lah if you are so insecure. I suppose that's all they can do these days. In the old days they used to go out and conquer other countries. Nowadays you can't do that so you restrict yourself to conquering women only - except ofcourse if you are an American President or an Israeli....then nothing can stop you invading other countries on stupid pretexts.
Then in the next page of the paper you read about this jilted fiancee who harbours hopes of getting back with her singer ex fiance who dumped her via sms. She is in tears professing she still loves him. He is nonchalant and says he just wants to get on with his life. Yeah what a bastard but then this pathetic woman should get a grip on herself and move on. The guy dumped you via sms and you still want him back??? Women are their own worst enemy. Have some pride woman - you are giving the rest of us a bad name! Stop being soooo blooody pathetic!!!! Aaaargh!!
Merdeka Day - Independence Day cannot come at a better time. I need the break to meditate....

Friday, August 11, 2006

Save the Turtles

This is our team's project in The Firm. The lawyers were split into about 4 teams (or is it 5?) to come up with a team project. One of the teams held a charity movie nite "Pirates of the Caribbean" and that was great fun. They collected several thousands for charity. Another team organised a blood donation drive in our building. I knew that my blood would be rejected as I was in the UK throughout the 80s so when the lawyers & staff asked me to go with them for the blood donation, I replied "I can't donate blood - I am gay and promiscuous!" You should have seen the stunned looks on the secretaries & junior lawyers faces....A senior lawyer said to me later on "I think you rather shocked them - they are not used to your warped sense of humour like we are..."

Our team is called the Gamma Team. We decided to Save the Turtles by raising money to adopt a turtle & its nest under the World Wild Life Fund project. And how did we plan to raise money? By selling breakfast to the staff, lawyers & partners of The Firm. There are around 11 lawyers in each team. Our team consisted mainly of junior lawyers. I was the odd one out. My friends, the senior lawyers were all in the same team. Each team is headed by a partner (but ofcourse...). My friends came to the conclusion that their team leader couldn't stomach having me in their team so I was lumped into the other team. Which turned out to be great fun for me. I got to know people whom I wouldn't normally hang out with & discovered how cool they really are. Five years in The Firm and I am still learning new things about myself. Being here made me give other people a chance and not stereotype people as boring, losers, dullards, irritating etc....

For the whole week we, the lawyers took breakfast orders from everyone in The Firm, discussed menu, where to get supplies, paper cups etc. I didn't realise that you had to buy the lids to the cups separately. Our partner instructed one of our lawyers to hang out at MacDonalds and retrieve discarded paper cup lids!!! You should have seen his face!! Luckily I had the foresight to ask the secretaries where we could purchase these lids & cups. Lawyers should be the last people to consult on such things. Sure enough, one of the secretaries volunteered to buy the cups & lids at the pasar malam (night market). This secretary not only went out of her way to buy 300 paper cups & lids but donated it to us as her contribution to our Turtle Fund. She refused to take any money from us & it must have cost her about RM60. We were very touched by the gesture.
Lucky I objected to the idea of us making our own sandwiches. I told them that even I would not buy this breakfast if we made these sandwiches. We finally decided to order kuih, nasi lemak & mee goreng from a nearby supplier. On the 1st day, the 2 lawyers in charge of making drinks were the 2 male lawyers from the Construction Department. 1 of them had to tell the client that he had "urgent" matters to attend to at the office and another lawyer had to have his case adjourned in order to come in to do his rounds of serving breakfast...and the next day whilst he is in court with the judge shouting at the other lawyers, he is answering our frantic phone calls of "we are short of one nasi lemak!!!" I was in Singapore on the 1st day (Monday). By the time I came in the next day, the staff all came up to me saying "Ohmy God, you were not here...we had constipation & could not sleep all night...the 2 male lawyers made such thick this morning, when we overheard them in the pantry asking "should we put 5 teabags or 2 teabags in the pot?" we cannot tahan anymore...we decided to go in and help them before we all suffer from constipation again today!"
Wednesday was my first day of serving breakfast & making drinks. By then the tea lady was fed up of us making a mess of the pantry and made the coffee & tea for us! When I went around to serve everyone, balancing this tray of drinks, the staff said "this must be the most expensive cup of coffee ever...we get S.. to serve us coffee.."
All in all it was great fun. Everyone enjoyed the food and the thrill of having the lawyers serve them. It promoted camaraderie and we made enough to adopt 6 turtles and a nest. Well, we haven't really decided how many turtles & how many nests yet. Our profit margin was very low as we wanted as many people to enjoy the breakfast as we could. Some of the partners & lawyers sponsored their secretaries' breakfast for the whole week. One of the senior partners interrogated me "why are you saving the turtles??" So I said "well, an elephant is more expensive to save..." and he retorted "Are you insulting me???" (he is on the large side...). Then he asked if we took any insurance to cover us against any liability...sigh...caveat emptor. "Eat at your own risk" I said. So far no one has died this week from our breakfast & drinks. Anyway, we are now setting our sights at the Elephant Sanctuary as our next project...

Sigh, I am going to miss the breakfast next week. We were all enjoying the food and the excitement in the morning. We had to cover 3 floors. We had around 70 sets of breakfasts to distribute daily and timed ourselves. Today, the last day, was the best time. First day was the worst ofcourse with all the teething problems. Staff & lawyers are begging us to extend to end of the month but our team is flat out exhausted! We may sell cup cakes towards the end of the month.

So please remember everyone - stop eating turtle eggs! Stop throwing rubbish at our beaches and into the sea. And Don't Buy artifacts, curios & food made from TURTLES.