Friday, May 14, 2010


There are 3 reasons why you should NOT read TWILIGHT the Book:
1. Bella
2. Bella
3. Bella

There are 6 reasons why you should NOT watch TWILIGHT the Movie:

1. Bella

2. Kristen Stewart (Yuks!)

3. Bella

4. Kristen Steward (Yuks! again)

5. Bella

6. Kristen Stewart

I watched the movie first before I read the book. For a long time I couldn't "get" why women and girls are so gaga over Robert Patterson. One day, I accidentally came upon the movie playing on telly. After a few minutes I fell asleep - this was how much the movie impacted me. Then a few weeks later a friend gave me a DVD of this movie and was gushing so much about this Edward the Vampire that I conceded and sat down to watch it - making sure I watched it to the end. Yes I fell for Edward - but only because he is so uncannily like this person I love. His intensity, the things he says ... are exactly the same. I was stunned.

New Moon was sooooo soooooooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooooooo excruciatingly painfully dull - except the last part when Edward and those Italian vampires showed up. Somebody kill that insipid character Bella already !!!!! Arrrrrrgh!!!!

At first I blamed the actress - I thought they casted the wrong person for the part as you just could NOT warm up to her. So, due to sheer frustration, I decided to pick up the book and read it. Arrrrggghhhh it doesn't get any better. Bella in the Book is a total PAIN. She is a total PAIN in all the books!!! WHY WHY WHY did someone, ANYONE, not KILL her within the first few sentences of this book???? How unlovable can the main character be??? Its like that bloody Catherine I used to hate in Wuthering Heights.

There I was, over the weekend, mulling over why the Twilight series are such a hit. The author has got 2 things right in her formula. First - is of course - Edward ... He is the epitome of most women's fantasies. The very reason Mills and Boons and Barbara Cartland made so much money. Good looking, brooding, can't find love until he finds that One person he has been searching for, Rich, intelligent, has nice cars, cool parents and siblings - damn he is just sooooooo perfect. NOW the second ingredient in the formula is, to me, the KEY to the success of this book and the movies. That HATEFUL INSIPID ANNOYING LOATHSOME Bella. There are more plain girls out there in this world who are weak, never been popular at school, who spend their time fantasing about the most good looking boy in school and in their fantasies, this boy will find that one special quality in this pathetic wallflower and fall madly in love with her, ignoring all the gorgeous cheerleading girls fawning after him. Yes! this is what it's all about. The Wallflower versus the A list girls in school. Revenge of the Wallflower. These plain girls are living vicariously through these books and movies. They are thinking to themselves - "See! The most beautiful vampire in the world did not fall for the beautiful blonde Tanya or Rosalie (both vampires) - he falls for the mere mortal, albeit colourless with mousy brown lank hair and zero personality - a squid can evoke more interest than this pathetic creature! In fact, all the boys in the entire school finds this kretin "attractive" and want to date her - sigh another wallflower fantasy the author has cunningly plugged in. Either the author is a genius to use this Wallflower-becomes-superhero-and-saves-the-day formula OR the author herself was once (and is probably still) a Wallflower herself and these are just HER fantasies that she has penned down.

This whole Werewolf fighting the Vampire for the Wallflower episode in New Moon and Eclipse nearly got me shredding the books or setting them on fire. I was sooo agitated, I couldn't enjoy the read at all (And forget the literary skills of the author - this is no Booker Prize or Pulitzer Prize material). But, like a bad movie you have watched halfway, you watch it to the end, hoping to find that it gets better and justifying that you have not wasted your time to begin with. Luckily, it DOES get better with Breaking Dawn. Not because the insipid Kretin has turned into a vampire and given birth to Baby Vamp. But because you are now distracted with more vampires from other regions. The only interesting part of this Twilight series are the Vampires (not including Bella when she becomes a vapid vampire - no matter WHAT she morphs into, I just cannot find anything likeable about her).

Then my friend sends me a link to the Oprah show where she interviews the main characters of the movies. Edward the Vampire, Taylor the Werewolf (can't remember the character's name) and Bella the Kretin. Maybe in real life the actress is more likeable, I think to myself, hopefully. Wanting to find some saving grace in her. Maybe she is a really good actress who portrayed how annoying this Bella character is. Then I watched her in the interview. GAWD ... she is just as annoying in person!!! They should just call her KRETIN STEWART. I don't think I am the only one who could not warm up to this person. I mean, whilst Robert Patterson and Taylor have thousands of screaming fans wanting to hug them, they had to fly in this ONE single fan (from 25 000 miles away) - the only fan this Kretin has - just to show that she has a fan somewhere in the world. And the poor fan had to even ask her if she could have a hug. And whenever Kretin tries to speak, you couldn't understand WHAT she is trying to say. She is not articulate at all. Then, in comes Dakota Fanning - confident, beautiful, intelligent and articulate. Dakota plays the baddie vampire who tries to kill Bella (or at least cause her lots of pain which she truly deserves). Dakota TOTALLY ECLIPSES this Kretin. It's like putting Angelina Jolie next to that Jennifer Aniston (Another annoying vapid creature). I mean - res ipsa loquitour!!! Casting this lovely vivacious Dakota as the Baddie who in the end is outwitted and outpowered by the insipid, weak, gawky, unattractive, bumbling Bella. What does this all point out to?? It is a fantasy to cater for all the Wallflowers of the world. This is the success formula of the book. And this is WHY I HATE IT SO MUCH. Women have, for decades, been MISLED into thinking that even if they are weak and unattractive, some day some rich powerful gorgeous guy is going to fall in love with them and lift them out of their sorry existence into a Happily Ever After. BULLSHIT! Irresponsible writers should stop perpetuating this myth for commercial reasons. There are already loads of depressed women out there because their fantasy has not materialised and they have married some loser fat bastard and have to support him. Stop trying to exploit these sorry creatures. They bought into your whole fantasy because they haven't got the strength of character to see their own worth so they have to live in this dream world you have created for them.

Same like these Bollywood movies. Same formula. Poor girl meets Rich Boy. Rich Boy falls for Poor Girl, ignoring Rich Beautiful Articulate Girl. Millions of Indians bought into this fantasy - because millions of them are poor. Life is like the Matrix movie. Everyone is living in a dream world. Perpetuated by the movie moguls, the media and irresponsible writers who just want to exploit the masses' weaknesses. If you are living in this dream - you deserve to be exploited and you deserve to be depressed when you wake up to the sad reality of your life.

You can stop dreaming of becoming a vampire now.

Watch how Dakota Fanning totally Eclipsed Kristen Steward at the Oprah show:

Anyway, all this angst against Wallflowers has given me an idea on my next Chapati Moments. Watch out for it soon in Navel Gazing!