Goodbye Singapura

I suppose in a spate of anger over Singapore and all things Singaporean, I decided to cut off my only tie to Singapore.... yes, SL (Singapore Lawyer). I know this is irrational behaviour but hey, I'm a woman. I am entitled to be irrational. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Here is my email to him. Actually, the bit about me only just finding out his full name and that he may be married is just me being melodramatic. I knew his full name from the start and this thing about him being married is just my over zealous friend checking out on him and finding out about the wrong guy who is more than 10 years older than him...

Please don't think he is a cad. He is actually a lovely person. Just very absorbed in his work and, being Singaporean, making money....a national pastime I'm afraid...

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Dear [SL]

It is with a heavy heart that I write this. Prudence compels me to end our brief relationship if at all I may call it that. I have known you for over 6 months now and yet I know very little about you. In fact it is only recently that I discovered your full name. Unless you are working for the Mossads, I see no reason for this secrecy or evasiveness and lack of communication. (However a friend informed me that you, or rather a Singaporean lawyer with your name, are married to a Chinese woman. I chose to ignore this piece of information or misinformation - especially when he described you as "balding", an affliction which obviously you are not suffering from. Moreover, I suspect the bearer of this news has ulterior motives. Unless ofcourse you choose to confirm this which would at least explain your behaviour).

To soften the harshness of my words, let me at least tell you that my instincts tell me that you are a decent person and did not mean to mess or fool around with me or my feelings. However, I am not willing to continue with our sporadic encounters and put up with this total lack of communication especially in view of today's efficient telecommunications and transportation services. Granted that plans for our scenic bridge have been scrapped but I'm sure, given some thought, you would have found some alternative way of reaching here.

I have thoroughly enjoyed your company during our brief encounters and find you a very charming and pleasant person to be with. You have excellent manners and one of things I found most endearing about you is your thoughtfulness especially the time when we were out for dinner one evening and you reached out to take my spoon and wiped it thoroughly with a napkin before giving it back to me. I must have fallen in love with you at that moment. That is why this is a painful decision to make. Distance is obviously an issue here. Although race is not an issue with me, religion may prove to be an issue in the future. That is why I don't see any sense in prolonging a relationship which seems doomed from the start.

I sincerely wish you all the best in your life and if one day you need any advice on relationships, I will be happy to talk to you about it. I think it would be better for you to seek advice from a woman than your male friends and you may be reluctant to consult your mother or your sister on these issues.

To be fair, I can only presume that your actions (or lack thereof) and behaviour are due to years of conditioning in your restrictive environment in Singapore coupled with the reputed aggressiveness of your women. I hope you don't mind me giving you some friendly advice which may prove to be helpful in your future pursuits:-

1. Don't be fobbed off by this day & age's concept of equality & women's independence - they still love to be courted and pursued.

2. One of the most effective ways of showing your interest and concern is by calling them regularly to find out how they are especially if you don't get a chance to see them often. Sending curt text messages full of abbreviations somehow does not count.

3. If you are really crazy over them or serious about them, then you may send them gifts occasionally. I strongly advise you not to send any red velvet love cushions unless the girl you are pursuing is below 18 years of age. If she is below 18 years old, then I suggest that you also seek therapy. Otherwise you should move to Malaysia where it is perfectly acceptable behaviour for men above 30 to pursue girls below 18. Do not give any serious jewellery unless you are planning to marry her. Exceptions can be made if she looks like Angelina Jolie.

4. NEVER ever make promises you cannot keep eg don't tell her you are going to call the next day and not call or tell her you will see her the next week and not show up. Major faux pas! Such behaviour will prompt her 20 friends (whom I assure you that she will consult) into convincing her that you are unreliable and untrustworthy & therefore will not make a good boyfriend let alone a good potential husband.

But if the woman you are pursuing is a Singaporean, then I'm afraid I can't help you there. Their behaviour is totally alien to me from what I observed at the recent Bar Games in Langkawi.

I am truly sorry this has not worked out. Six months is all I am willing to give to suss out your character and as you know, time is always of the essence.... I wish you every happiness in your life.

With affection always,
[*]
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I wish to add more advice on the purchase of gifts for the benefit of any men reading this. If you wish to be more adventurous than the usual flowers & chocolates, let's say you wish to buy her a handbag..., please, please consult the latest Vogue magazine. Do not rely on your own taste as men are known to have atrocious taste in women's apparel & accessories. Should you be on intimate terms with your girlfriend, you may wish to buy some lingerie. Polyester is a big no no. Buy silk, lace and/or satin. You can't go wrong with known brands like Victoria's Secret, La Perla, Aubade, Simone Pirelle, Chantelle...sigh... It's best to know her size first. Lingerie shops are very reluctant to exchange any goods sold due to hygiene reasons. Asking her directly for her size may not be a good idea and will spoil the surprise. You could check her undergarments whilst she is asleep. Sending roses is quite boring. Try some exotic selection of flowers. Let the florist decide. Some eucalyptus leaves added to the bouquet would be a nice touch. Should you find yourself wanting to keep the bouquet for yourself, then I advise you to check your internal gaydar. For those who are not quite "with it", a gaydar is the radar to spot gay tendencies...

Ok, are you still there...stay with the programme please guys, stay with the programme. It's not that difficult to please a woman. Just concentrate a bit more here and put down that TV remote control - there will be sports shown on telly all day (you subscribed for that particular channel remember).

Whatever you do, do not, do not buy her any fake designer stuff. You will be instantly lumped under the "Utter Pillock" category. Even if she is already in love with you, she will be forced to give you up so as not to lose face with her friends who will no doubt give her that "you poor thing, having to put up with that pillock" look whenever she sees them. Furthermore, you don't want her arrested at l'aeroport in Paris for carrying a fake Louis Vuitton bag.

Sigh, I'm already bored writing this. Anyone who wants more advice on this please email me at

toadexodus@gmail.com

Caveat: women needing advice on how to find the right guy, well, I'm not the right person to ask. Go find someone else to advise you - and if you find this person, please be kind enough to forward me his/her email address. Men needing shopping advice - yes, I am the right person to ask ie if you are shopping for a prezzie for your girlfriend. If you are a cross dresser, you are still most welcome to email me for advice.

In the meantime, let me go wallow in my sorrow for a while. Au revoir my little red dot....

Oh Singapura, Jangan Berpura-pura Meminta Maaf : Part II

A Malaysian lawyer (S. Tan) has posted a reply to my posting - asking whether I actually READ the annex to Lee Kuan Yew's letter before I made my comments ... He tries to draw me into discussion on the MERITS of LKY's comments. This is my reply:-

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My Dear ST,

Thank you for your concern that I may have overlooked the venerable Lee Kuan Yew's annex to his letter of "apology" (not his speech unless you are referring to some speech he made which I did not have the pleasure of hearing or reading). Rest assured that I did read it. It would be rather remiss of me to ignore this masterpiece which he has painstakenly compiled and collated for our enlightenment. One can expect nothing less from a person who has throughout his political career shown great passion in his campaign/fight to champion democracy, freedom of speech and equality in the country which he founded.

I am sure his efforts to enlighten us dullards in Malaysia is based on his genuine concern over the plight of the Chinese living in Malaysia and Indonesia (his immediate neighbours). I am not under Lee Kuan Yew's category of "successful ...hard working" persons so I am sure you will forgive me if I doubt his sincerity in both his apology to our Prime Minister and his concern over the Chinese in Malaysia and Indonesia. If you notice, in the incidences he quoted in his annex, the remarks made by our politicians were mainly made to a Malay audience which from my interpretation boils down to basic "scare tactics" by saying "you better buck up or you will end up like the Malays in Singapore" and "you are lucky that you didn't suffer the same fate as the Malays in Singapore". Had Lee Kuan Yew made his speech to a group of Chinese Singaporeans in some Chinese Assembly Hall in Singapore, then yes, I will accept it as "quid pro quo" and let the matter rest. BUT he delivered his speech to an international audience - "in a free flowing dialogue session with former US secretary of treasury ... before many foreign delegates attending the International Monetary Fund/World Bank meeting . Ignoring for now, my reference to his "senile moment" which was made in jest, to me, these remarks were made with mischievous intent and are deliberately provocative. Lee Kuan Yew, whilst masquerading his attacks on Malaysia as concern on the plight of the Chinese, has served a blow on Malaysia on an international level which we cannot choose to ignore. And why did he do this? At this particular forum which he strategically chose? A person will attack when he is feeling insecure. And why is he insecure of his neighbours. The reason can only be economics ... ITS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY.

Yes, we can play into his hands and talk about the MERITS of what he said. By all means, lets do that in our own time. But lets not do it just because he provoked us into it. Let us not give him that satisfaction. He has a different agenda and believe me, the Chinese in Indonesia & Malaysia are the least of his concerns. Is he really setting himself up as the champion of all Chinese outside of China? I'm sure he would like that if they would pay him the slightest bit of attention. Maybe, if it was Nelson Mandela who made those remarks, I would find it more palatable. And you will challenge me - what does it matter who the messenger is, it is the message that is important. To me it is most audacious for the founder of an authoritarian country which demands abject obeisance from its subjects to lecture us on equality and freedom.

Well, ST, I understand your desire to have an open discussion on the issues Lee Kuan Yew raised. I, on the otherhand, am not politically savvy nor do I have any interest in politics so I hope there are others who are willing to be drawn into this discussion. My posting was mainly on the "apology" sent by Lee Kuan Yew not on the merits of his remarks. If you can find a solution to these issues without any bloodshed, then I will be the first to support you. To me, if these issues were raised by Karpal Singh or Lim Kit Siang, then I have no problem with that. But when we are being attacked by an outsider (who can only stand to gain by our downfall) then, as Malaysians, we must close ranks and defend our country.

KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA.

Oh Singapura, Jangan Berpura-Pura
Meminta Maaf

Lee Kuan Yew of Singapore has made certain remarks which has upset our politicians and our people. Our Prime Minister demanded clarification from Lee Kuan Yew and Singapore. Lee Kuan Yew issued this so called "apology" letter to our Prime Minister.

Yesterday (3 Oct 2006), The STAR carried the headline "No intention to meddle" and starts boldly with "REGRET " whilst The New Straits Times proudly displayed in its front page "Lee Says Sorry" - thus trumpeting our triumph loudly, making us believe that we have extracted an apology from Lee Kuan Yew.

Puhleez, Lee Kuan Yew has done everything BUT apologise to Malaysia and our Prime Minister for his remarks, so stop trying to pull the wool over our eyes and make us the laughing stock in Singapore. He has not shown any regret nor remorse for what he has said! We must be very daft and gullible indeed to believe that this letter even remotely resembles an apology. Anyone who reads this letter and comes to that conclusion needs to go for some English classes. There is a vast difference between saying "I'm sorry for what I said" and "I'm sorry that what I said caused you discomfort." In the first instance you are apologising for making those comments and in the second you are apologising for the consequences of your comments. IT IS NOT THE SAME THING. Read the whole letter. The Minister Mentor has the gall to justify his comments in his unconvincing attempt to "apologise".

Lee Kuan Yew could be taking his cue from Pope Benedict who recently "apologised" by saying "I am deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages of my address... which were considered offensive to the sensibility of Muslims." Here the Pope thinks that Muslims cannot speak or understand English very well. He is not sorry for what he said (or rather what he quoted somone else to have said) BUT that he is sorry for the reactions it caused. Perhaps the Pope and Lee Kuan Yew employed the services of the same consultants to concoct their "apology" address/letter. Does the United Nations provide a standard precedent/template for world leaders to dish out everytime they offend a group of people - entitled " How to Say Sorry Without Actually Saying Sorry for What You Said"? If so President Bush (Friend of Singapore) should be given a copy. He doesn't even bother to apologise for anything and whilst we are at it, send one to Israel also (another Friend of Singapore).

Here are some excerpts from Lee Kuan Yew's letter which is supposed to convince us that this is an apology:-

"... you need a strong government who'll be able to, not only have the gumption, but the skill to say "No" in a very quiet, polite way that doesn't provoke them into doing something silly ". How arrogant and condescending can you get? Stop patronising us Kuan Yew! It is times like this that I miss the acerbic wit of our previous Prime Minister ,Tun Dr Mahathir (who wouldn't suffer fools like Lee Kuan Yew gladly) and I value the wisdom and foresight of Tunku Abdul Rahman in booting Lee Kuan Yew and Singapore out of Malaysia.

Then there is this part where he tries to "ampu" our Prime Minister where he says "Since you took over as Prime Minister..., relations between our two countries have much improved. Singaporeans... appreciate this..... I am so sorry ... (blah blah) after a decade of troubled relations with your predecessor, it is the last thing I wanted." Yeah sure, we were born yesterday Kuan Yew.

Our gentle, peace loving, non controversial Prime Minister has "taken note" of Lee Kuan Yew's "apology". Perhaps we should be magnanimous enough to forgive Lee Kuan Yew, bearing in mind his advanced age, he may have been having a "senile moment" when he made those comments. He should be referred to as Minister Mental instead. We should allow him to live his twilight years immersed in his fantasy that what he says has some impact on the rest of the world ... this founder of an insignificant dot on the world map he calls a country.