Goodbye Singapura

I suppose in a spate of anger over Singapore and all things Singaporean, I decided to cut off my only tie to Singapore.... yes, SL (Singapore Lawyer). I know this is irrational behaviour but hey, I'm a woman. I am entitled to be irrational. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Here is my email to him. Actually, the bit about me only just finding out his full name and that he may be married is just me being melodramatic. I knew his full name from the start and this thing about him being married is just my over zealous friend checking out on him and finding out about the wrong guy who is more than 10 years older than him...

Please don't think he is a cad. He is actually a lovely person. Just very absorbed in his work and, being Singaporean, making money....a national pastime I'm afraid...

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Dear [SL]

It is with a heavy heart that I write this. Prudence compels me to end our brief relationship if at all I may call it that. I have known you for over 6 months now and yet I know very little about you. In fact it is only recently that I discovered your full name. Unless you are working for the Mossads, I see no reason for this secrecy or evasiveness and lack of communication. (However a friend informed me that you, or rather a Singaporean lawyer with your name, are married to a Chinese woman. I chose to ignore this piece of information or misinformation - especially when he described you as "balding", an affliction which obviously you are not suffering from. Moreover, I suspect the bearer of this news has ulterior motives. Unless ofcourse you choose to confirm this which would at least explain your behaviour).

To soften the harshness of my words, let me at least tell you that my instincts tell me that you are a decent person and did not mean to mess or fool around with me or my feelings. However, I am not willing to continue with our sporadic encounters and put up with this total lack of communication especially in view of today's efficient telecommunications and transportation services. Granted that plans for our scenic bridge have been scrapped but I'm sure, given some thought, you would have found some alternative way of reaching here.

I have thoroughly enjoyed your company during our brief encounters and find you a very charming and pleasant person to be with. You have excellent manners and one of things I found most endearing about you is your thoughtfulness especially the time when we were out for dinner one evening and you reached out to take my spoon and wiped it thoroughly with a napkin before giving it back to me. I must have fallen in love with you at that moment. That is why this is a painful decision to make. Distance is obviously an issue here. Although race is not an issue with me, religion may prove to be an issue in the future. That is why I don't see any sense in prolonging a relationship which seems doomed from the start.

I sincerely wish you all the best in your life and if one day you need any advice on relationships, I will be happy to talk to you about it. I think it would be better for you to seek advice from a woman than your male friends and you may be reluctant to consult your mother or your sister on these issues.

To be fair, I can only presume that your actions (or lack thereof) and behaviour are due to years of conditioning in your restrictive environment in Singapore coupled with the reputed aggressiveness of your women. I hope you don't mind me giving you some friendly advice which may prove to be helpful in your future pursuits:-

1. Don't be fobbed off by this day & age's concept of equality & women's independence - they still love to be courted and pursued.

2. One of the most effective ways of showing your interest and concern is by calling them regularly to find out how they are especially if you don't get a chance to see them often. Sending curt text messages full of abbreviations somehow does not count.

3. If you are really crazy over them or serious about them, then you may send them gifts occasionally. I strongly advise you not to send any red velvet love cushions unless the girl you are pursuing is below 18 years of age. If she is below 18 years old, then I suggest that you also seek therapy. Otherwise you should move to Malaysia where it is perfectly acceptable behaviour for men above 30 to pursue girls below 18. Do not give any serious jewellery unless you are planning to marry her. Exceptions can be made if she looks like Angelina Jolie.

4. NEVER ever make promises you cannot keep eg don't tell her you are going to call the next day and not call or tell her you will see her the next week and not show up. Major faux pas! Such behaviour will prompt her 20 friends (whom I assure you that she will consult) into convincing her that you are unreliable and untrustworthy & therefore will not make a good boyfriend let alone a good potential husband.

But if the woman you are pursuing is a Singaporean, then I'm afraid I can't help you there. Their behaviour is totally alien to me from what I observed at the recent Bar Games in Langkawi.

I am truly sorry this has not worked out. Six months is all I am willing to give to suss out your character and as you know, time is always of the essence.... I wish you every happiness in your life.

With affection always,
[*]
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I wish to add more advice on the purchase of gifts for the benefit of any men reading this. If you wish to be more adventurous than the usual flowers & chocolates, let's say you wish to buy her a handbag..., please, please consult the latest Vogue magazine. Do not rely on your own taste as men are known to have atrocious taste in women's apparel & accessories. Should you be on intimate terms with your girlfriend, you may wish to buy some lingerie. Polyester is a big no no. Buy silk, lace and/or satin. You can't go wrong with known brands like Victoria's Secret, La Perla, Aubade, Simone Pirelle, Chantelle...sigh... It's best to know her size first. Lingerie shops are very reluctant to exchange any goods sold due to hygiene reasons. Asking her directly for her size may not be a good idea and will spoil the surprise. You could check her undergarments whilst she is asleep. Sending roses is quite boring. Try some exotic selection of flowers. Let the florist decide. Some eucalyptus leaves added to the bouquet would be a nice touch. Should you find yourself wanting to keep the bouquet for yourself, then I advise you to check your internal gaydar. For those who are not quite "with it", a gaydar is the radar to spot gay tendencies...

Ok, are you still there...stay with the programme please guys, stay with the programme. It's not that difficult to please a woman. Just concentrate a bit more here and put down that TV remote control - there will be sports shown on telly all day (you subscribed for that particular channel remember).

Whatever you do, do not, do not buy her any fake designer stuff. You will be instantly lumped under the "Utter Pillock" category. Even if she is already in love with you, she will be forced to give you up so as not to lose face with her friends who will no doubt give her that "you poor thing, having to put up with that pillock" look whenever she sees them. Furthermore, you don't want her arrested at l'aeroport in Paris for carrying a fake Louis Vuitton bag.

Sigh, I'm already bored writing this. Anyone who wants more advice on this please email me at

toadexodus@gmail.com

Caveat: women needing advice on how to find the right guy, well, I'm not the right person to ask. Go find someone else to advise you - and if you find this person, please be kind enough to forward me his/her email address. Men needing shopping advice - yes, I am the right person to ask ie if you are shopping for a prezzie for your girlfriend. If you are a cross dresser, you are still most welcome to email me for advice.

In the meantime, let me go wallow in my sorrow for a while. Au revoir my little red dot....